ballcap bar * - a place inundated with young guys with surgically attached ballcaps and disturbingly low appreciation of anything not simple, primal and/or unhygienic

bombing - doing horribly in a performance (think crickets, oil painting, wind whistling through a deserted cemetery, all in super-slow motion...)

COPFOC (Comics Performing For Other Comics) * - An open-mike where the only people in the audience - or the only ones paying attention - are other comics. This is not the best way to get a read on your material or performance, and any salvaging of the night tends to come from COSWOC (Comics Socializing With Other Comics).

death gaze * – the look you sometimes get from one audience member, often with folded arms, suggesting that either (1) the person was dragged to this comedy show, or (2) s/he just finds you thoroughly repulsive. Or, I guess, (3) both.

DPM * - drinks (consumed) per minute (lower = better)

dying - see "bombing"

eating it - see "dying"

feature – the middle (second) act in a three-comic line-up, sometimes called a "middler" (which sounds bad - let's stick to "feature")

headliner – the last (top-billed) act in a show, the headliner does the most minutes and makes the most money; the last act also can be called a "closer"

host – the comic (or other person; it should be a comic) who greets the audience (from the stage) and warms them up and introduces the other comics (sometimes another opener, then feature, then headliner). Arguably, this is the hardest job (though headliners could give a very good argument against that) to do well: you're on call for the entire show, you go on first (to a cold crowd), you get paid the least. But it's good training (and it's dues-paying).

killing - doing extremely well onstage - it doesn't get better than this

laughting * - the scientific principle of how laughs from previous jokes help make it easier to get laughs for subsequent jokes. The principle and name are based on "drafting" as used by cyclists, in which following close behind another cyclist means that you don't have to pedal as hard because you benefit from the vortices created by that other cyclist. The difference, here, is that you have created your own "draft." (I have no idea what this means. It's science.)

LPM - laughs (generated) per minute (higher = better)

maiming * - almost as good as "killing" (see above)

nervous-in-a-good-way * - pre-show nerves that help a comic focus his or her mind and energy on doing a good set

nervous-in-a-not-so-good-way * - pre-show nerves that help a comic wet his or her pants and vomit in the his or her bathroom

open mic - a common, contemporary abbreviation for "open microphone" that I can't bring myself to use because it sounds like "open mick"

opener – (a) the act that precedes the feature, the opener's job is to warm up the audience, paving the way for the subsequent comics. (b) what the bartender uses to access the beer in a bottle.

pharting * - not as bad as bombing, this is when a comic gets a mix of small laughs, murmurs, silence, low talking, slurping through straws, audible respiration, and maybe a half-hearted groan or two

phone booth line-up * – when there are too many comics on a show (often four, almost always five or more), as if the booker was trying to crowd as many people into a phone booth as s/he could. The problem is that the audience has to get used to too many different comics, and that it's harder to put together comics that fit well together (in terms of style, material).

placement regret (or "PR") * - noticing how comics who went on later, once the crowd was warmed up, did better than you did when you went on early. "If only I'd gone on later, then I, too, would be getting bigger laughs than I deserved! Damn you, Comedy Gods!"

pondering your mortality, your self-worth, and the ineffably slow passage of time * - see "eating it"

serial killing * - doing extremely well two or more shows in a row

set - (1) the group of jokes or other material that a comic puts together for a performance; (2) the performance of that material

wounding * - one notch below "maiming"

zlocking * - I just wanted a "z" entry in here, but let's say that "zlocking" is the hesitant uttering of time-killing sounds when a comic has momentarily forgotten either the next word in a joke or the next joke.

_______________________________
* coined by Mr. Yubruh himself

* "Yubruh" rhymes with "rub ya" . . . remember?

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